Go On Ahead And Lean Into That Hard Relationship
“I think I just need to go see her,” I told Matt.
“If that’s what you think you need to do,” he said.
So I girded my loins with courage (dramatic language) and filled a baggy with chocolate chip cookies (modern day peace pipe). Matt dropped me off, and I went inside to give cookies and hug my friend’s neck, not knowing what she would say after we had been texting about a hard situation. She hugged me big, and within a few minutes we had uncovered the fact that the thing she had done that hurt my feelings so deeply last year didn’t actually come from her. Oh, and she never knew my feelings had been hurt. It was a serious misunderstanding. Too bad it took eight months to have that conversation and clear things up. Nothing that a little clarification and soft cookie couldn’t fix.
If there’s one thing I’m learning at a snail’s pace, it’s to show up and have a real live conversation with that person I’m struggling with. You know what always stops me from doing that?
I am a coward.
Yellow bellied, lilly livered coward with a yellow streak down my back from neck to tailbone. A chicken.
Because it’s waaaaaaaaay easier to roll around in bed at night and rethink the hurt 50 or 70,000 times and never say anything. Better months of misery than actually talking to another human.
I’ve had some experiences in bringing up hard things. Sometimes I’ve had conversations that have gone very badly and I’ve left feeling like I tried to remove gum stuck in a child’s hair.
Sometimes I’ve risked a hard conversation and have left not feeling like there was any resolution. Just meh. No idea if it went well or poorly.
But sometimes, like this week, I’ve braved walking right up to a living, breathing person, cut right to the chase, and have walked away with the relationship completely restored. Smiling even. Happy. And sleeping all night afterward because of the glory of resolving a problem.
What if I hadn’t gone? I ask myself. Because believe me, I thought about just letting the whole thing go forever. But wow, am I glad I acted brave for a minute. Peace and harmony was waiting on the other side of that simple conversation. And I didn’t even throw up. Super brave.
So if you’re on the outs with someone–doesn’t matter if it’s your fault or theirs–you might consider going to see them. Bring some fresh air into the relationship and see if the oxygen levels rise for both of you. Maybe they won’t. But maybe they will. You won’t know ‘til you try.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Romans 12:18
This is so painful to read. I am in an agonizingly difficult situation and the person with whom there is difficulty refuses to see me, and those around her are supporting that choice, so there seems to be no hope of resolution.
I’m so sorry! We can only lean into a hard relationship if the other person is open to it. I have experienced a similar situation recently, when I reached out to someone who absolutely refused to have a conversation. She shut me down so fast. It’s painful. But Romans 12:18 says that we are to do everything we can to keep the peace with others AS FAR AS POSSIBLE. Once we have gone as far as possible on our part, then we must leave that person in the hands of Jesus. When I was young, if I tried to correct my little brother, my dad would say, “I’m the dad. I’ll take care of it.” It’s comforting to me to say to Jesus, “You’re the dad. I know you’ll take care of this” and leave that person in his hands. But it doesn’t remove the pain of the broken relationship. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this, and I pray the Lord will comfort you.
Whew what a timely reminder….been praying for a while about a very difficult situation with our eldest son which has resulted in an 8yr estrangement. God is slowly (although that’s my assessment but honestly it’s His timing that’s perfect not mine lol)working to restore the relationship between us and him but his siblings are not on board just yet. Praying God will provide the right opportunity to have that difficult conversation with both him and his siblings:)
I’m so sorry. I can’t think of anything more painful than estrangement from a child. I pray that the Lord will show you exactly when it’s time to speak and what to say. May he be at work in your son’s heart, to bring him into a good place and with an open heart toward his family.
Thank you for these words of encouragement