Navigating Disappointment
For seven months, we powered through a massive life change of leaving our precious church of 30 years and crossing town to a new church job, where we faced the immediate crunch of trying to build structure for over 150 people where there had only been about 30 people before. It was hard and wonderful and intense, but dangling before us was August and vacation.
If we could just work hard and make it to vacation.
Finally, the day came. Suitcases were in the car, and we hit Highway 93 bound for Wyoming, with two luxurious hotel stays on the way and my mom’s cozy house waiting for us. We breathed. We drank good coffee and lounged in our hotel rooms in glorious slothfulness. We went to a matinee in a cheap, small-town theatre and ate buttered popcorn without thinking about the nutrient value.
On the last day of travel and only a few hours away from my mom’s house, I started to ache. It was over 80 degrees, but I pulled out my fleece jacket because I just couldn’t seem to get warm. I ended up spending the whole week on my mom’s couch, aching and coughing and sleeping on and off all day. My skin hurt. My brother called on Friday, because his family wanted to come to visit us, but I waved them off. Mom had a home Covid test that I took, and it screamed a loud positive.
Matt and I were crushed in spirit. For several years, every vacation we had taken had been squeezed tight by job pain and stress and upheaval. This was supposed to be the vacation where we could finally be lighthearted and just relax and enjoy ourselves. Such a disappointment to spend the week sick instead.
My mind went to an old story:
“Curse God and die!” Job’s wife said to him, when his whole life went south.
He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?”
In all this, Job did not sin in what he said. Job 2:9b-10
Let’s all be honest. Our gut reaction, when the brokenness of this world hits us hard and disappointment floods our soul, is to shake a fist at God. Resentment at him rises up inside of us, and we are tempted to say things that are ringed with bitterness, such as, “Seriously?” or “I just can’t seem to catch a break” or “You’ve got to be kidding me!”
I preached to myself those words of Job all week. I refused to curse and accepted the Covid from the God who loves me.
I accepted it from him.
Now let me tell you what happened at my mom’s house. She had gone to the library, just like always, because she was a librarian for 30 years. She always checks out books she thinks we’ll all enjoy. So, Matt read a few novels out in the sunshine on Mom’s front deck. It was the last week of the Olympics, so we watched hours and hours of Olympics. I read The Boys in the Boat in between naps and coughing fits. To be honest? It was one of the most mentally and emotionally physically restful vacations I had experienced in several years. Because I was sick, I felt no need to try to be any kind of responsible adult. Normally, even on vacation my task-oriented nature would want to be working on something, but I didn’t feel good enough to do anything.
“Really,” Matt said. “Isn’t this what we would have done all week anyway? Read books and watched the Olympics?” Being sick was a gift. I came back from vacation feeling deeply rested. Wasn’t that what I had needed all along? Except for the fact that my mom also got sick, it was a good vacation.
Thank God for my week of Covid. (Gratitude instead of cursing–crazy hard words to say.)
I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve turned to Job and his wife when faced with loss and disappointment. Will I accept only the good from God and not the trouble? It’s a probing question that cuts down through bone and marrow and makes you decide what kind of faith you really have in the Lord. It doesn’t take away the heartache of hope deferred, but it does splash some cold water in your face and helps you bow in worship.
Dear Christy, My heart bonds with yours. Sometimes the disappointment lasts more than days, weeks, months, years, decades. And that’s where the Lord becomes very real, up front and personal as we say, “not my will but yours”!
So true, Di. Thank you for speaking this to us.
One week before our only daughter was to be married, I came down with COVID. My husband got it as well. By the end of the week we were both hospitalized and missed her wedding ~ Ugh!! Sigh!! That was in 2021. We still haven’t seen why God allowed this, but trust it was for His pleasure and glory. I so appreciate you sharing as always so we can grow as well through our circumstances!
Oh my! That is such a painful story. I’m sure you’ll always feel the pain of that. What can we do except long for heaven, where everything is made right for us again?
Yesterday was day 10 isolating with Covid- 3rd episode these 4 yrs- so hubby cancelled our hotel for next week: but God’s given us clear nights here ( trip was to do night photos in Col.) & it’s given me time to research kidney disease ( told I have it, 2 months ago) & rest ( @70+, ‘parts is parts’ means my lungs, heart, bones, eyes all starting to fail- & now kidneys.) TY for Job comments- his wife is one of my favorite ‘misunderstood Bible women’- we had one adult child die, & it never goes away: she had ALL die- and after Job’s healing, they had MORE. What a story, it helped me immensely when our 37y.o.stopped insulin & died.
I’m sorry for the layers of suffering you’re experienced. So much pain. I pray the Lord will encourage your heart through all of the hard.
I am touched by your openness my friend. I so relate to your every word. During this past few years of great pain and loss, I have had the thought come to my mind so many times, “God has allowed this. In a little while you will begin to see why and be thankful.” I am thankful for you. Your writing has always been meaningful to me. Your texts and hugs, cupcakes and shared Spotify playlist were little lifelines in the darkness. I love you Christy
Thank you, friend. I pray we will continue to see the goodness of God.
God did not give this to you, it wasn’t a gift from God. But, as Romans 8:28 says, He did turn it around for your good.
You are correct, although I will point out that Job didn’t know the behind-the-scenes that we get the privilege to read. He didn’t know that Satan had approached God or that God had given him permission to come at Job to hurt him. To me, there’s something powerful about borrowing Job’s words and saying I’m willing to accept the trouble from God and not just the good. It reminds me that nothing comes at me except that God allows it, so in a sense it is from God, even if he is not the causative agent. This is especially an important perspective when a voice is screaming at me to curse God. I can immediately respond with Scripture and say, “I will accept the good AND the trouble from God. I will hold onto my integrity and not sin by cursing him!”
This resonates with me. Our family of 14 (dad, mom, 3 married children and 6 grandchildren) had planned a summer vacation together and had looked forward to it for months. The week before we were to leave, one of our sons got Covid and was very ill. Two days later, his wife got it. I was not a happy mom because I wanted all my babies & grandbabies to be together. I prayed to God asking “Why” did this have to happen, because it looked like our son and family wouldn’t be able to make the trip to join us. But God…He always has an alternative plan. He made a way for them to join us 2 days later. They were well enough to make the 9 hour drive with their 2 children. (They pushed ahead just for them.) I could list at least 3 things that God did in the midst of all that enabled the 14 of us to have a family vacation. We made some really good memories and I did thank Him many times for the outcome, even though it wasn’t what I originally planned. Bonus- no one else got sick.
Thank you for sharing your story.
I’m sorry you had a similar experience. We certainly live in a broken world! I’m thankful for your testimony that God gave you some good times, despite the illness.
So much beauty in this reflection. I don’t always realize an answered pray or my needs being met when God’s means of answering that prayer are outside of my plans and control. The timing of your reminder is a gift. Just yesterday…a huge disappointment, one that has me reminding my heart, “even though I don’t understand, God is with me, He gives perfect peace, and he has good plans for me.” I remind others of this, but claiming this promise for myself is uncomfortable faith in action. I’m so encouraged that even through initial disappointment, he exceeded your needs and expectations. I’m so grateful you are rested and at peace.
“Uncomfortable” is a good way to describe how we respond in faith to disappointment. Certainly the response we need is not intuitive, but we have to work at it mentally.
I want to be a sponge and soak up all of your wisdom! 🤓…we are coming out of an intensely stressful season of church hurt and changes we never saw coming…but I see light…and hope…truly where I sadly struggled to see it at all…I’m so grateful God can take these hard things and He gifts us pain with a purpose…reminds me of childbirth in a sense…imagine feeling those contractions and not knowing why you felt that way? But knowing the joy on the other end of it all, I’d do it again tomorrow…well except for the small fact that I’m 44 and my hubby is 52 and I’m no Sarah and he’s no Abraham 😬…big hug from your beachy gal in NC!!!
Hello North Carolina! Is there any deeper pain than what happens when human brokenness impacts us at church? I’m sorry for you. But I can testify that God is working all things for our good, even with pain and disappointment within the church walls. But it can be a long road. I pray the Lord will encourage your heart.